Ready for the Night People Prom!
New album CLASSES now available on Bandcamp. http://daveperlis.bandcamp.com
NIGHT PEOPLE, 8/02/12: LEPRECHAUNS EXPLAINED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone: NIGHT PEOPLE!!!!!
D: So how do we open?
A: Let’s just start.
D: Maybe we should do some stuff like it’s not scripted first.
A: Wait- am I the one that says it’s not scripted?
D: I think so.
D: So here’s the idea. I say this is show is scripted and you try to prove that its not. Right? What do you say when I say right?
A: I say right.
D: So, Sandy- let’s get this straight. You think this show isn’t scripted?
A: No. I know it is scripted.
D: But that’s the opposite of what we just decided.
D: Okay. I’m looking forward to moving on- but just to clarify, I don’t think it’s scripted?
A: Right. You’re saying it’s not scripted, and I’m saying it is scripted.
D: Well, I want to say it’s scripted- wait- is there bed music?
A: Yes. (Plays Bed Music:X)
D: Alright. I say it’s not scripted.
A: Right. I say it is scripted.
D: OK. So then should we make the formal announcement?
A: What formal announcement?
D: [Sigh] Who’s saying what.
A: This is scripted.
D: And I respectfully disagree.
D: Actually, I disagree slightly disrespectfully.
D: So wait, which one of us thinks it isn’t scripted?
A: We could really do either, but the last thing we decided was that it was me.
D: That you don’t think it’s scripted. Is that right?
A: I say that it is scripted.
D: Oh…I guess that makes sense. So there must be ways for you to prove that. Like- you would be able to predict what I’m going to say…
A: Later on in the show…and I could even make you say things you don’t want to say.
D: Hmmmm. But what if I wrote the script?
A: Well maybe there’ll be a section where we write each other’s dialogue or a monologue that the other person has to say.
D: I would have to be against that, I guess- but it does sound fun. I suppose there’s a bigger question here, which is- OK, fine. So you say the show is scripted and I say it isn’t but are we working together?
A: What do you mean?
D: I don’t know, I’m confused.
A: What are you confused about?
D: Well, are you…Wait, is this a trick to prove it’s scripted?
D: Oh…Let’s see. So it’s my job then, to prove it isn’t scripted.
D: Alright. I can do that. Let’s see. Well, first of all, if it was scripted, how long would something like that take?
A: To script it? A few hours.
D: Well, that proves it- because I’m too busy for that.
A: But you’re not too busy.
D: Yes I am.
A: No you’re not.
D: Yes I am.
A: No you’re not.
D: Yes I am.
A: No you’re not.
D: Yes I am.
A: No you’re not.
D: Yes I am.
A: No you’re not.
D: Yes I am.
A: No you’re not.
D: Yes I am. See? It isn’t scripted. If it was scripted wouldn’t I say sort of and- what the other thing I say? Uh- certainly…
A: Do you say certainly?
D: Well, I’m trying not to. But what I’m saying is, if it was scripted, wouldn’t- to make it sound authentic- wouldn’t you slip a few of those in.
A: Probably. But also if it was scripted, it might also not have those things you say, you know?
D: Wait which one is it? I think it’s…
A: Not scripted. I’m telling the truth and you’re lying.
D: You calling me a liar?
D: It’s like those upside down dogs.
A: It is…Were they doorknobs or was something else a doorknob?
D: I just said it was dogs.
A: Were they dog doorknobs? You know, I could actually just prove it by posting the script somewhere after the show…on your tumblr.
D: Ooh…Hmmm. Wait- but couldn’t someone have just transcribed it?
A: I’ll post it immediately after, at the end…at…what’s your thingy?
D: Uh…The tumblr? Uh…nightpeopledave.tumblr.com.
A: Is it the same password?
D: Yeah. There then.
D: You’re bluffing. Bluffer! You got nothing. Why would we bother actually scripting the show? It’s the same garbage. Why would we spend five hours to write the same- probably even worse garbage- when we could just pretend like it’s scripted- like we’re obviously doing- and just act like we’re reading when we talk.
A: Did you just call the show garbage?
D: I got it.
A: Whaddaya got?
D: If it is scripted. What are you going to do if I start cutting out?
A: Oh, good question. Maybe there’s a note at the beginning of the script, that says if you cut out I jump to another part at the end of the script?
A: It’s like a section I go to to read if you’re not there. Or maybe I just keep going and read both of our roles.
D: Very good. I’m surprised. I thought you wouldn’t be this good at bluffing. 201 209 9368. What do you think Night People? Scripted or not scripted? Beef or Macaroni? Puppet or Rag?
A: But we can’t take calls can we?
D: Why not?
A: Because they’re not written into the script. Unless we write in a section where we can pick up the phone…
D: But it there is no script!
A: Well, too bad you can’t control the phones.
D: So no calls?
A: I don’t know.
D: Well, look, you seem like a nice guy. You’re full of crap but I like you. If the show was scripted- which it isn’t- then what we could do, I guess- and you can thank me for this later- with jelly- oh, which reminds me, did I ever tell you that in Wisconsin they spell homemade H-o dash m-a-d-e?
D: That’s it?
A: I was about to say wow that’s so weird.
D: Oh. Where was I?
D: Right- thank me with jelly…Oh yeah, uh…if the show was scripted, which I swear on the holy Bible it isn’t…what we could do is, write caller into the script and say “ad lib”.
D: Isn’t vamp more of a musical term. Isn’t that like repeat the same phrase over and over.
A: I think it’ll work.
D: Whatever. There is no script.
A: But what do we do if the script says caller and there’s no one on the phone?
D: I don’t know, try it. Well, wait a second. Here’s the thing. If it was scripted, wouldn’t we be working together to keep people guessing?
A: Yes, we would.
D: So would you pick up the phone now? Or would you say it isn’t in the script.
A: If there was a call right now I would pick it up.
D: Go for it then.
A: [Answer phone] WFMU, you’re on the air? Scripted or not?
D: That was interesting.
A: Very. She was a nice lady.
D: So is there a topic then?
A: What page are we on?
D: Nice try.
D: So is there a topic? Weren’t we going to do griffins?
A: What is that? Like half lion, half eagle or something like that or something.
D: Is there such a thing as a mock turtle?
A: I don’t think so. Mock turtle soup? Isn’t that in Alice Through the Looking Glass or something?
D: Yeah. There’s a mock turtle in there, but I guess the animal is named after the soup? That doesn’t happen very often- Oh, which reminds me I have a new recipe.
A: What’s it for?
D: That’s not important. Do you want to hear it?
A: Yeah you have to share it.
D: Okay. Ummm. Let’s see. Take one quarter teaspoon…Isn’t a quarter teaspoon almost pointless?
A: Depends what it’s a quarter teaspoon of.
D: Like how potent it is?
A: Did you ever hear the saying that you could have ninety nine pounds of ice cream and one pound of poo…
A: Poo. And you have a hundred pounds of poo.
D: Like manure? What would you be doing with a hundred pounds of poo? Then what?
A: That’s it.
D: What’s it?
A: That’s the saying.
D: I must have missed something. Do you have one pound of poo or one hundred?
A: One hundred. If you have ninety nine pounds of ice cream and one pound of poo- in it- than you have one hundred pounds of poo.
D: Oh. Well doesn’t it depend on where the poo is hidden? I mean, that’s a lot of ice cream.
A: The poo isn’t hidden. It’s mixed in.
D: OK. Fine. But I mean, if I showed you a hundred pounds of poo and a hundred pounds of ice cream with one pound of poo mixed in, which would you rather eat?
A: The poo flavored ice cream.
D: Right. So it’s not really the same thing.
D: 201 209 9368. Jesus…Is there any name that gets said as much as Jesus? What do you think?
A: Oh sorry I was trying to kill a fly. What was it?
D: Ah, forget it. 201 209 9368. Griffins…
A: So what is a griffin. Is it a lion’s body and an eagle’s head and wings?
D: Oh, the recipe.
A: Or right.
D: So what spice do you think merits a quarter teaspoon?
A: Um…maybe like um, I don’t know, sometimes it’s like salt. Sometimes it’s as easy as salt.
D: I like that. It’s as easy as salt. What’s as easy as salt?
D: What’s easier: A] Salt, B] Pie, C] ABC.
A: Um, pepper. I mean salt.
D: Well, that just proves that salt isn’t that easy. Uh, OK. So, the recipe.
A: Quarter teaspoon of…
D: Salt. Do you like to cook?
A: Yes I do.
D: Between you and your husband, who does most of the cooking?
A: I told you I’m married to a woman.
D: Uh-huh. Big deal.
A: You sent her neckties for her birthday.
D: Sorry. So who does the cooking?
A: We share the responsibilities.
D: That’s interesting. You think of it as a responsibility?
A: What do you think of it as?
D: A pastime. What is a pastime?
A: Something that passes time.
D: Sure, but lots of things pass time.
A: How is it different than a hobby?
D: Right, like baseball is a pastime, but model airplanes…What is a hobby? What’s a pastime other than baseball.
A: It’s the national pastime…Why isn’t it the national sport. Is it because it takes so long?
D: Right, maybe a pastime has to be boring.
A: Collecting stamps. Is it a hobby or a pastime?
A: Is that what it’s called? Yeah.
D: Exactly. So this recipe.
A: Do tell. [Answers phone] Uh, WFMU, you’re on the air?
D: Very interesting.
A: She was a very nice lady.
D: She was very good at a lot of nice things…My English teacher in high school, Ms. Lee, used to use that as an example of a pointless sentence. It’s like “I was walking down the street.” Wasted words. Where were we?
A: griffins…Oh, the recipe.
D: Right. Quarter teaspoon…OK. Get a bowl. What do you say, mix in a bowl?
A: Uh, yeah. No- combine. Combine in a bowl.
D: Right. OK. Combine in a bowl…Recipes really have their own terminology don’t they?
A: Yeah they do. Cooking and baking do.
D: Everything does.
A: What about the recipe?
D: What are the top five recipe words? Preheat?
A: Uh, preheats a good one. Season?
D: Yeah. Uh, is this boring?
A: Yeah, but we only need three more.
D: OK. The recipe. Combine in a bowl. Does everybody have their index cards? What do you keep your recipes on?
A: Oh, just whatever I write them down on.
D: Fascinating…One quarter teaspoon salt. One quarter teaspoon marjoram. One quarter teaspoon fresh basil. One quarter teaspooncoriander. One quarter teaspoon cayenne. One quarter teaspoon garlic powder. One quarter teaspoon cumin. One quarter teaspoontandoori. One quarter teaspoon rosemary. One quarter teaspoon paprika. One quarter teaspoon fresh parsley. One quarter teaspooncinnamon. One quarter teaspoon nutmeg. One quarter teaspoon garam masala. One quarter teaspoon vindaloo. One quarter teaspoonvanilla. One quarter teaspoon sherry. One quarter teaspoon wild yeast. One quarter teaspoon allspice. One quarter teaspooncardamom. One quarter teaspoon minced cucumber. Belly button. One quarter teaspoon caraway. One quarter teaspoonsaffron. One quarter teaspoon thyme. One quarter teaspoon pepper. One quarter dried basil…
A: What is this recipe for?
D: I’m getting there.
A: Should we preheat the oven?
D: What’s an oven? No. Actually, that’s later. So add, three cups of veal. More if you’re fat sister is coming over. Squeeze every morsel between your fingers, then lick your fingers for an hour, soak them in water, then add the water to the bowl with the spicy veal. Maybe that’s the name of the dish. Dave’s Spicy Veal…So now you’ve got the veal, the spices and the finger water in the bowl. Now stir it to perfection. What’s the French for that?
A: For what?
D: Stir to perfection.
A: I don’t know. Is that an actual phrase? What’s it called when it coats the back of the spoon?
D: The honeymoon…Let’s see…
A: Should we preheat?
D: Patience. Patience is the key to cooking.
A: What’s the keyhole?
D: Uh, Your mouth. Scripted or not scripted?
A: What next?
D: Mix all the ingredients to perfection, which should take about eight to twelve hours, and you might want to use a professional mixer?
A: Like Spinderella?
D: If he’s available. Who is that guy?
A: I think he’s a swimmer.
D: Then after you’ve mixed it to perfection, your going to gently pour it down your pants and let it chill there for one hour or up to overnight. Then! Sandy…
A: The oven.
D: Right. To 450 degrees.
A: That’s really hot.
D: That’s true. Maybe it should be 475…Then take of your pants and…
A: Should you tuck your pants into your socks before you pour the veal in?
D: I don’t care. It’s your dinner. It’s your kitchen. It’s your life. It’s your wife. That’s the motto for my cooking show.
A: That’s good.
D: So, once the oven is preheated. Wring your pants through cheesecloth into a chilled martini glass, then stick your head in the oven.
A: For how long?
D: Until the cheese is melted. Serves eight.
A: Should you broil it at the end to brown the cheese?
D: No. In a pinch you can substitute shorts for pants…and lamb for veal…and an aquarium for an oven.
A: Is it completely vegetarian?
D: I think so. What’s veal? 201 209 9368. Scripted or not scripted?
D: Prove it.
A: I can prove it…
D: Prove it then.
A: I’m biding my time.
D: No…Speaking of biding, what happened to Joe Biden?
A: Joe Biding.
D: Wasn’t he?…Is this how Vice Presidents usually are?
A: Yeah they’re usually pretty low key…pretty behind the scenes. I feel like Cheney drew a lot of attention to himself by being a loudmouth and shooting people.
D: So he spoiled us.
D: Ugh. Politics…So griffins, huh? Let’s get this going. They have wings but can they fly?
A: They can fly.
D: I dunno. Those wings look pretty skimpy, right?
A: Most things that have wings can fly, right?
D: Uh…ostrich. Emu. Uh…Penguin…
A: Chickens don’t fly.
D: They try. griffins are like chickens. Maybe they try to fly. I wonder what a griffin would taste like? How do you know if an animal’s going to be dark meat? Like a lion. Maybe I’ll list some animals and you give me your best guess. Ready?
A: [Stalls] Light meat.
D: Light meat or white meat?
A: Light meat.
D: Like L-I-T-E?
D: So Lions, you think have light meat.
A: It depends on their diet, I think. Herbivores have red meat- cows and deers and things that eat grassy things…
D: So we would be light meat?
A: Like pigs. I think we would be more pig like, honestly. They’re omnivores. And I heard somebody refer to human meat as “long pork” before.
D: Wrong pork?
A: Long. L-O-N-G.
D: Oh. Why? What’s long about our pork?
A: Muscle structure.
D: Alright. So back to the game. Lion.
A: Light meat.
A: Fishy. I think it’s white.
D: Hold on. Is this game over because of your theory?
A: Why is it over?
D: Because of your theory?
A: How does it go against my theory?
D: No. It’s just that I know what your answer is going to be. Maybe we should reverse it…so you ask me.
A: Oh right, okay. Uh…Hmmm….Frog?
D: White meat.
A: Bupkus? What do you think Bigfoot meat is like.
D: Long pork. If we were going to eat a person…
A: I would slow cook one of those big leg muscles.
D: You mean the butt?
A: No, I mean the thigh.
D: We eat cow butt.
A: Yeah it’s true.
D: OK. 201 209 9368. Scripted or Not? Puppet or Rag? Beef or Macaroni? Light meat or dark meat? Uh..Hobby or Pastime? Here’s something for ya…Is the griffin the most boring mythical beast?
A: It might be.
D: So it has an eagles head, a chicken’s wings…
A: And people thought it existed because of dinosaur bones.
D: Wait…it has dinosaur bones.
A: It has a chicken’s head, a lion’s body and a dinosaur’s bones.
D: And Joan River’s neck.
A: And Jay Leno’s love of classic cars.
D: I like that he always has to trot that out…
A: It makes him less likable.
D: Like they were always telling us as kids, that Ronald Regan had jelly beans on his desk. Did you hear that?
A: Yeah he did. That’s true.
D: In a jar, or just spread out all over his desk?
A: His desk was covered in jelly beans.
A: The President’s desk.
D: At least he didn’t have a jar of meatballs.
D: So here we are back at the unicorn conundrum…Oh Sharon. Maybe I should explain.
A: Oh Sharon.
D: Are griffins magic then, or just rare?
A: I don’t think they’re magical.
D: Their not even rare. They just took them off the endangered species list. Oh, and by the way…I think I can you on that…It ain’t cheap but the service is immaculate.
A: Demi Moore works the velvet rope.
D: [Sings] Demi Moore works the velvet rope. Would you marry Demi Moore.
A: Not now.
D. Not this minute?
D: You mean Bruno? The original Bruno? What was that?
A: I think he still does that.
D: What makes actors think they should have bands?
A: Did you ever see that interview of Billy Bob Thornton?
A: Where he gets very angry that an interviewer even mentions his acting career.
D: How about this lineup: Thornton. Thornton on trumpet. That’s what he plays, right?
A: I think so.
D: Thornton on trumpet. Depp on on bongos. River Phoenix- he was a musician first I think…a busker…let’s leave him out of this. Maybe Harpo Marx…Oh does Ethan Hawke play music?
A: He must. Oh- what about the Bacon brothers…and Matthew McConnaughey is an amateur bongo player.
D: We already have bongos.
D: OK here it is. Let’s get the lineup and then we’ll assign instruments. Thornton, Depp, Marx, Bacon…Russell Crowe…what’s Kevin Bacon’s brother’s name?
D: More? OK. More Bacon. Thornton, Depp, Marx, Bacon, uh…Leto, and what’s that girl from Natural Born Killers?
A: Juliette Lewis.
D: Yeah. Her…and Flea.
A: Then there’s like Zooey Deschanel and Jason Schwartzman and them…
D: OK. Them too. Ah forget it. Let’s just give them a name. Let’s see. How about. Maybe we could take a word from each of their bands names? So let’s see.
A: You got Bruno…I don’t know if he has a band name.
D: That is his bands name.
D: Are you looking this up?
A: Coconut Records.
D: Who’s that?
D: OK. Keep ‘em coming.
A: She & Him. Bacon Brothers is just the Bacon Brother…I can’t think of any more.
D: Isn’t Russell Crowe’s something like Ten Odd Foot of Grunts?
A: What did you just say?
D: Ten Odd Foot of Grunts. I think it is.
A: It’s Thirty Odd of Grunts…
D: Yuck. I guessed too few grunts.
A: That’s his old band, from 1992 to 2005.
D: Yeah but that’s the classic. That’s his Master and Commander period 1992 to 2005? That’s a long time. OK So the band is called, uh…Let’s put Bacon in there.
A: Bruno Coconut.
D: Grunt. She. What’s Johnny Depp?
A: Does he actually have a band?
D: Johnny Depp Band.
A: [Searching] He has multiple bands.
D: Gimme one. I think Stephen King has a Band.
A: He’s in a band called P.
D: Depp? What does it stand for.
A: No. P-E-E. With Gibby Haynes and a couple other people.
D: In P?
D: So let’s get this over with: She Coconut Bruno P Grunt Bacon Box. Or what about just Bruno’s Bacon Box?
A: River Phoenix died when he was only 23.
D: Yeah. Outside the Viper Room. He was really good in Stand By Me…and uh, Explorers…
A: P was on stage when River Phoenix died! Hey, Flea was in P! How did you know that?
D: Is that what he died from?
A: He had a P overdose. They found P in his system.
D: It was all worth it just for that…So griffins suck basically. I mean. I don’t know. They seem nice. Like would you introduce your mom to a griffin?
A: There’s just not much to them other than their parts.
D: Hmmm. They’re less than the sum of their parts. We need some hard facts. Should we do Leprechauns?
D: They’re trending, right?
A: Like Unicorns and Zombies.
D: What mythical creature won’t they make a movie about?
A: The griffin.
D: Right. So do Leprechauns have to be Irish?
A: Yes. I think so. By definition.
D: Really? Do they have passports? I mean, do they have a common ancestor with the modern Irish people? I say no.
A: And I say yes.
D: Well there’s one thing we can agree on.
A: Wouldn’t it suck to be an Irish dwarf?
D: I am…How small is a leprechaun exactly? I think smaller than a dwarf.
A: Maybe I’m just used to seeing them dwarf sized. I’m picturing a little person in a green suit. When they could be Smurf sized which everyone knows is three apples high.
D: I didn’t know that.
A: Yeah. Which is kind of big.
D: It is. That’s almost a foot tall.
A: Yeah those must be big mushrooms.
D: That’s what bothers me about leprechauns. Unicorns and griffins are naked. But where does a leprechaun get his suit. And if there’s no female leprechauns how do they reproduce? Are they humanoid?
A: Leprechauns? Yeah.
D: So are they mutants?
A: I think they’re just really small people. Are dwarfs mutants?
D: Well, I guess mutant is a strong word. It had negative connotations. But I mean, aren’t their genes somehow mutated from what’s normal?
A: Is it mutated or some kind of recessive gene.
D: I don’t know…201 209 9368. Should we take a call?
A: Suuure. WFMU, you’re on the air?
D: What a nice lady…But here’s the thing. So if a leprechaun is just an extra small Irish person. Is being a leprechaun just a lifestyle?
A: It’s a choice. They’re not born that way.
D: See, I think some Leprechauns have no choice. They have to keep pots of gold at the end of rainbows. And what happens to the gold when the rainbow disappears? Is it even real gold? And where do they get the gold?
A: And why do they hide their gold? Does the gold come from the rainbow or does the rainbow come from the gold.
D: Which came first: the rainbow or the gold? There’s a lot of questions here. Now we’ve got something…And what about extra small. You have extra small and extra large. But what about extra medium?
A: Well you can’t you have something extra that’s in the middle.
D: Why not? Maybe it refers to the quality.
A: Extra medium is the same size but better quality? You just can’t get more in the middle.
D: Well…there’s Peanut M&M’s.
A: So extra medium should have a peanut in it?
D: I think we got it. That’s it. OK. Leprechauns. Where do they get the gold?
A: Do they steal it?
D: They can’t hold jobs.
A: No. They’re unemployable.
D: Did they inherit it? Can they make gold? Are they alchemists? Does anybody ever get the gold?
A: [Reading off the internet] Did you know that if you capture one they give you three wishes?
D: Like a genie.
D: We should practice our wishes. Cause doesn’t it always seem like people are bungling them.
A: They are. You either have to be very specific or very general. I think you have to be very very specific.
D: You have to be extra medium.
D: You don’t hear many stories- you don’t hear any stories- where the three wishes don’t come back and bite protagonist in the ass. You might be better off with just one wish.
A: Yeah but if it backfires, you’ll need the other wishes to clear it up- like in the monkey’s paw.
A: Like the monkey’s paw- have you seen that movie?
D: You mean Sex in the City II?
A: No. I mean a short story.
D: Then No. But seriously. If people only got the one wish, maybe they’d think a little harder instead of just asking for money. How specific can you be with a wish? Is there a word limit? Because you really should cover your bases. Is Rumpelstiltskin a Leprechaun?
A: He’s evil.
D: Are leprechaun’s not evil?
A: Mischievous maybe. But I don’t think of them as evil..
D: So what are the three perfect wishes? 201 209 9368.
A: Unselfish wishes might be good. Like world peace or happiness. That’s what I mean by general.
D: Well where do people go wrong? Doesn’t it seem like the same moral is always being taught? What’s the moral?
A: Is it to teach you not to be greedy, or that nothing comes for free?
D: Or is it to demonstrate that you can’t control chaos? Well let’s find out. Let’s give it a shot. Where do we start?
A: First you have to capture a leprechaun.
D: How much time is left. No- don’t answer that. I’ll just catch the damn leprechaun. It’s such a long word, isn’t it? Can we trim a few syllables off that? What would make it?
A: You could definitely chop letter from the spelling.
D: But you still have to say it.
A: But wouldn’t it really be Connie?
D: That’s the big question, isn’t it. 201 209 9368. So how do you catch a Chonny? What do they eat?
A: Lure them with gold.
D: Well, what do they do in their spare time. Do they have hobbies?
A: Collecting and protecting gold.
D: So is being a Chonny some kind of punishment. What’s good about a Chonny?
A: The gold. You don’t think gold can make a Chonny happy?
D: No. Because what are their needs? What are they gonna buy?
A: Their saving for retirement. You can’t be a Chonny forever.
D: So you’re saying it’s a profession?
A: I guess so.
D: Well, that’s something. That’s progress. So you’re not born a chonny.
A: I told you. It’s a choice,
D: Huh. But then…why choose it. Just to hoard gold so you can retire. Isn’t the like being a cop? You’re constantly in danger, your shoes are shiny, you have metal on your hat…
A: Buttons on your shirt.
D: And both are stereotypically Irish. Huh…
A: Maybe Leppys evolved into police officers.
D: Wait, your switching to Leppy.
A: I’m considering it.
D: Well what are the factors?
A: Chonny Versus Conny.
D: The people Versus Chonny.
A: Chonny B. Goode. Chonny used to work on the docks…
D: What’s that?
A: It’s a song by Bon Jovi?
D: Chonny Bon Jovi? Ugh…So they’re Irish. It’s a choice. Are they all men?
A: I think so. I’ve never seen a female leprechaun. I mean, a female Leppy.
D: Have you ever seen any kind of Leprechaun?
D: Hmmm. So here’s our profile: Short Greedy Irish Male with a Choice. And where do they get the gold.
A: I think they have to steal it.
D: Well if they can grant wishes, couldn’t they probably get gold? I always wondered about that actually. Does that happen in a movie?
A: What’s that?
D: Where the person wishes for gold, but it actually comes from somewhere. Bedazzled maybe.
A: You mean you’re getting someone else’s gold?
D: Yeah. Because, the whole wishing thing really becomes unbelievable if you can just materialize whatever you want.
D: And like the Lucky Charms Chonny. He’s Lucky right.
A: He doesn’t deal in gold, he deals in cereal.
D: That’s what he keeps at the end of the rainbow? Good luck retiring on that.
A: I guess he is lucky.
D: Yeah, is he? Are Chonnies lucky?
A: I think so. Luck, leprechaun, four leaf clover.
D: Are they themselves lucky or are they lucky for you. Are they like a winning gambler or like a horseshoe.
A: I think they’re both.
D: But if they’re lucky themselves, then how could anyone ever catch them.
A: When they’re hungover.
D: Oh right. After a binge.
A: So how does the four leaf clover fit in.
D: It’s just more Irish hokum. Would you kiss the Blarney Stone?
A: Yes I would.
D: With your mother watching?
A: I’d keep my tongue in my mouth.
D: What about if you started kissing the Blarney Stone and then you opened your eyes and it was your mother?
A: That would be okay.
D: But it wasn’t her face.
A: What was it?
D: Her sister. Does she have a sister.
A: Yeah. She has two sisters.
D: Can you fix me up?
D: Are they married.
A: Well one is…One is a widow.
A: I like that reaction.
D: What’s her name?
D: Okay. Let’s make some well-thought out wishes.
A: What about the leprechaun.
D: We’ll catch him for next week. I think I know where one is.
A: Where is it?
D: Nordstrom’s…OK. Wish One.
A: Wish One.
D: Uh…Well, what is world peace exactly. Are there still guns, weapons? A: What are the potential outcomes? If we say no war, could there just be some dictator that controls everybody?
D: Right and does peace definitively mean no fighting? No conflict? Or just quiet…So what do we want exactly. For people to solve their problems diplomatically?
A: Wish for a true diplomatic process? What are things that are just good: health, wealth…happiness?
D: I don’t know. Health gets you into that immortality problem. Wealth has obvious drawbacks…And happiness too, I mean doesn’t it take the other emotions, like sadness and anger to define happiness? If you didn’t have those would you even know you were happy?
A: Yeah. You might just be some grinning idiot.
D: Who’s always happy? Steadman.
A: Jimmy Fallon.
D: I hate that guy.
A: I’m kind of indifferent to him.
D: What I don’t like about him, is he’s been given every opportunity to succeed…
A: Who, Steadman?
D: So what the hell? None of it seems solid…and now I don’t understand World Peace.
A: What if you wish something for somebody else. Completely selfless.
D: For example…
A: For someone to recover from an illness.
D: Right, but don’t they just walk out of the hospital and get hit by a car. Or do something negative to someone else?
A: Like murder.
D: What about love?
A: What if you keep it really simple. Like take us to the Aerosmith concert and a cheeseburger. Something where the consequences couldn’t be too bade D: You’ve never been to an Aerosmith concert…This is really tougher than it sounds. Should we take a call?
A: What a sweet girl.
D: She sounded like Abe Vigoda.
A: Yeah Abe Vigoda, the old man?
D: Did you know those eyebrows aren’t his?
A: Who’s are they?
D: Jerry Orbach’s…Now we’re both married men. But if we weren’t we might wish for girls somehow.
D: How would you phrase it?
A: I wish for two girls.
Girls: Greetings. We like beans. Do you have beans?
D: What the hell was that?
A: I don’t know.
D: Well are there girls in the studio?
D: Did you hear that?
A: I heard it.
Girls: Beans! Curses! We want beans!
D: So are those the girls we wished for?
A: Guess so.
D: Well that’s the problem isn’t it then. We forgot to say they weren’t hungry. It’s really overwhelming. You’re almost better off wishing for no wishes. Oh- well, there’s that: wishing for infinite wishes. That seems worthwhile. You could always wish to start over.
A: I don’t think you can. That’s against the rules. But you could unwish a wish.
D: How do you know all these rules? What’s your source on this?
A: In something I saw at some point.
D: Like what, like a book? Like an article?
D: A radio show? TV?
D: What then? A teleplay? A debriefing?
D: A Record?
D: Then what? What’s your source.
A: I know one of the wishes in Monkey’s Paw is burnt up by undoing it- by undoing a previous wish.
D: What’s Monkey’s Paw. Did we already cover that?
D: OK. So back to Leprechauns- or wait, what about the perfect wish? I wish to photosynthesize. How’s that?
A: You’d just turn into a plant.
D: Oh Damn. OK, OK. Let’s do it this way. Let’s play Genie.
A: Shouldn’t we play Chonny, I mean, Leppy?
D: Yeah. Let’s play Chonny. You wanna be Chonny first?
D: OK. But is this like miniature golf?
A: Miniature golf rules.
D: No, I mean is this like miniature golf, where the person going first is at a disadvantage because you get to learn from the mistakes I make?
D: So should we have some kind of Chonny handicap? Like do I get an extra wish for going first?
D: Oh. OK…Well then I’ll go second.
A: OK. I’ll go first.
D: OK. So should we have like a scene where you capture me, where you capture the Chonny.
A: Yeah, but we have to keep it short.
D: Is that a Chonny pun? Why do we have to keep it short.
A: Because it might not translate so well. The act of us catching each other.
D: Translate from what? The actual experience. I mean, won’t the audience be more or less what we’re feeling? We’re not depriving them of any smells or anything…So maybe medium-short.
A: OK. Let’s keep it medium short.
D: Uh…OK. So wait. I’m the Chonny. OK. So you see a rainbow.
A: I don’t have to be Irish do I?
D: I don’t know, I mean. Don’t you have to be in Ireland?
A: Yeah. But I could be in Ireland leprechaun hunting. Like an Irish Safari.
D: I think that phrase is already taken.
A: Isn’t that where you watch the Lion King and take a shot of Bailey’s every time they say Pumba.
D: I think that’s called college.
A: Oh. So what’s an Irish Safari?
D: I think we’re about to find out. Wait, so if you’re not Irish what country are you from?
A: America. U S of A.
D: OK. I’m almost ready. Just for an outline though. Boy sees rainbow. Boy meets Chonny. Chase- would you chase? And then how do you capture me?
A: Beat you with a shillelagh stick.
D: Sounds good. OK. Lights, Camera…Action!
D: That’s you…
A: That was me noticing the rainbow.
D: Maybe you could be more vocal.
A: Wow…Look at all the colors. So tropical…Beautiful. Red, there’s orange…what’s that one? Lollow. Lollow. Mmmmm. Let me get a lollipop out of my satchel. Wha? No more lollies? Waaaaaa! Waaaaaa! I wanna lolly! I knew I shouldn’t have bought more lollys. Calm down. Calm down. Get a grip. What a rainbow! There he is. Roy G. Biv! Wait! That’s not Roy. Roy taller and his hair is more luxuriant. I bet Roy drives a truck. What kind of last name is that, Biv? Is that Dutch? Sounds Dutch. Maybe it is Roy. Maybe I’ll go over there and ask. Oh, Ro-oy! It’s me- Sandy! Remember? We did sauce class together? Whatever you do don’t run away. I’ll be right over…
D: Is this me? Oh. [Irish accent] Ohhh. Top of the mornin’. Who be this Sandy? His face is so shiny, but remember me Chonny creed? No mixin’ with greedy, money-lovin’, humans. They’ll put you in salad they will…Best be on my way…Just pack a few things- me comb, me hat, me fresh strawberries, my onion, me soap, me calculator, me staple gun…me papier mache volcano…oh…me plastic fork, me neck pillow, me decongestant, me bird sculpture, me Yankee candles, me picture frame, me ya-ya sisterhood, me ear trumpet, me tap shoes, me mousetraps, me twine, me faucets, me answering machine, me diplomas, me Garry Shandling autograph, me gardening tools, me elephant, me Persian rugs, me desk, me rubber band, me storage bins, me accordion, me Pogues record, me Ace award…
A: [Interrupts] Hey you’re not Roy!
D: Ooooh Jesus!
A: Get back here.
[D & A pant, make running noises]
D: Me materialism has done me. Just like Orpus.
A: I’ll teach you to impersonate Roy. I’ll smash you with your own shillelagh. Ergh! Thwack! Bop! Squinch! Wizzle! Tween! Belch! Purp!
D: OK. OK. You’ve found me gold and you’ve got your three wishes. But hurry up. I have a dentists appointment.
A: So now I make my wishes?
D: Get the wax out of your ears. I’ve just told you so!
A: OK. Um. My first wish is for all of my wishes to be fulfilled literally with no unintended consequences.
D: OK. You’re wish is granted. Two more.
A: My second wish is for five dillion dollars to be wired into my bank account.
D: OK, then. It’s done. But you better check your balance. Because you said five dillion dollars, and any good Irishman knows a dillion is a fifth of a twizzler. Ugh. Can I stop using this accent?
D: People don’t understand what it’s like to be a Chonny. OK one more wish. All you’ve got so far is a bunch of licorice.
A: I wish for no more licorice.
D: Oh. Now you’ve done it. You’ve deprived the world of licorice…which, last I checked, is the staple food of Greece. Alright, should we the skip the scene this time?
A: Let’s just do a quick version.
D: OK. So I’ll be…Let’s see. I’ll be you.
D: Hey Shannon, Karen, c’mere. I think I found a Chonny.
Girls [In Unison]: Wow…Wowee wow wow! It looks like a nice piece of fish, smothered in goat cheese and hollandaise noodles. Are you sure it isn’t a stray morsel?
D: Pretty sure. Hey thing! Start flapping.
A: Top of the morning to ya!
Girls: It is a talking morsel! In a cashmere sweater.
D: Don’t be afraid. Treat it like fish.
A: You’ve found me gold. And now I grant ye three wishes.
D: It’s about time. OK….is this boring? Let’s just move on.
A: Well what are your three wishes.
D: My first wish is to move on. No. To move ahead three minutes in time…My second wish is for socks that don’t get holes in them…
A: Then how will ye put them on?
D: 201 209 9368.
A: What’s you third wish.
D: For people to stop being greedy.
Girls: You never buy us anything any more. You used to take us out and buy us fancy meals and fur coats and diamond hats. Now you just sit in the laundry basket all day playing Yahtzee with the squirrel!
D: Damnit I wasted my third wish. Do we need to catch another Chonny to make them go away?
A: Let’s take a call. WFMU, you’re on the air?
A: That doesn’t sound right to me.
D: I think the connection is bad.
A: Oh- there’s another call. Thanks. [Hang up] WFMU, you’re on the air. Speak your mind.
D: That’ll do. What a nice knucklehead. So what the hell is the topic?
D: OK. So what have we established.
A: They’re short, they’re Irish…greedy.
D: See now, that’s where I object.
A: You don’t think they’re greedy?
D: I don’t think we have proof one way or the other. They’re just rich. But really, what do they need to buy? They don’t have a lot of expenses.
A: So you think they’re thrifty. They’re just trying to protect their gold really…
D: Right. A leprechaun can’t just walk into a bank to make a deposit…What’s the first thing that’s going to happen? A band teller takes a Chonny’s money and there’s no accounting for it. There’s no laws protecting them.
A: And they probably are trying to keep it off the books anyway. They keep it in cold hard gold.
D: How do you know it’s cold?
A: It’s probably not very hard either.
D: Do you think you could tell if a gold coin was real by biting into it?
A: Yeah. I do think I could.
D: What criteria would you use.
A: Isn’t it softer than other metals?
D: Yeah, but is it that soft that you would know?
A: I think if it were solid 24 karat gold you could tell.
D: Is that the kind of gold leprechaun’s have? Who mints those coins?
A: I don’t know. Who makes the bullions chunks? Does the treasury make those? The Fed?
D: Wait a second. I smell a conspiracy.
A: Maybe we should audit the Leppy.
D: First your gonna have to catch him. What’s the Irish equivalent of the IRS? Hey wait a second. IRS is only an I and an H away from Irish. It’s a clue. Are leprechauns working for the IRS? Is that where they get the gold? How would that work?
A: Ben Bernanke.
D: Ben Benanke?
D: 201 209 9368. We’re talking about leprechauns. Who they are. What they do? And if you can catch venereal diseases from them…Can leprechauns mate with humans? Do we have a common ancestor.
A: Do you think they carry micro-syphilis? And what do they eat?
D: Food. I mean, why wouldn’t they just eat food.
A: Maybe their a different species.
D: That’s what I’m saying. So you see. It’s true their short, Irish…and well, wait a sec. You don’t see them outside of the Emerald Isle. Does that mean they don’t have passports?
A: Yeah maybe they can’t get passports or legal IDs. Maybe that’s why they can’t have bank accounts.
D: Well, I think they have bigger problems than that at the bank. But what I’m getting at is- if they have no passport, are they really Irish at all?
A: Maybe their aboriginal.
D: Hmmm. But certainly Maori have New Zealand passports.
A: Right. Maybe they don’t want passports.
D: What’s the disadvantage of having a passport?
A: They’d have to give away their address.
D: But they must be nomadic.
A: Yeah they don’t have an address. They’re on the move.
D: So what about the Bedouins. They’re nomads. How do they get their passports?
A: Do they cross country lines? Do they travel across borders?
D: What country are they even in?
A: I don’t know.
D: And unfortunately, unlike with leprechauns, there’s absolutely no way for us to find out.
A: Maybe they have PO boxes.
D: Chonnys or Bedouins.?
D: Well, same thing with the bank. You still need a home address. And what’s going to happen to the leprechaun when he’s struggling with his key in the lock? Captured. Three wishes. Does a leprechaun die after granting the wishes?
D: Then why bother.
A: It’s just for him to get released.
D: Sure- but, who enforces that? Say someone captures a Chonny, he grants the wishes, what happens if you don’t let him go.
A: Is it just a reward?
D: These poor creatures have no rights. All we know at this point is that their short and rich and everyone’s trying to screw them over. They’re not even Irish. They just live in Ireland with no rights, constantly persecuted from one end of the island to the other…
D: They get even get into England. But why not? Is there even a border check? I guess so. Ireland isn’t part of Great Britain.
A: Is that true?
D: Scotland, England, Wales..and Northern Ireland. So that’s why they can’t leave. It’s a passport issue. And who empowered them with these wishes?
A: Or enslaved them…
D: Yeah. It sucks to be a Chonny. What’s good in their lives? Why do they have to always hide their gold at the end of a rainbow? That doesn’t seem fair. They should have some flexibility, right?
A: That’s why I think maybe the rainbow comes from the gold. Under the right conditions, the sun hits it just right or something like that.
D: So does every rainbow end in a pot of gold?
A: That would mean there are Leppies all around the world. Unless they’re other people’s pots of gold? And who keeps their gold in pots?
D: Now you’re getting it! What kind of pot is that? Describe the pot.
A: It almost looks like a honey pot. Like Winnie the Pooh’s honey pot. Like a curvy cauldron…Yeah, what is that pot?
D: You think Winnie the Pooh eats honey out of a curvy cauldron?
A: Kind of.
D: Doesn’t he eat more out of like a ceramic cookie jar with honey misspelled on the side?
A: Isn’t it curvy? With a curved lip on the top?
D: Yeah. But isn’t that a jug?
A: It’s a jar. And is the leprechauns pot made out of gold?
D: That’s not even part of the myth. Wait, so let’s get this pot straight. I’m with you on the cauldron, but you lost me with Winnie the Pooh. I see a black cauldron, basically. Yours is black right?
A: I picture it gold. Everything’s gold. Coins and bars…
D: No, that’s wrong. It’s black. It’s always black. It’s metal. Probably iron.
A: It has to be strong enough to hold all that gold.
D: Yeah, because a gold pot, would be malleable. It would just be like a lumpy sack. So then, black?
A: I think so.
D: Great. So it’s a black curvy cauldron, filled with gold- and a rainbow shoots out of it. Always?
A: No not always. It can’t be always. Then there’d be rainbows everywhere.
D: Well, how big is the Chonny population?
A: Yeah how many are there. Under a thousand definitely. I’m gonna say six hundred…Or is it more like twelve.
D: And is the population increasing or decreasing?
A: It’s got to be decreasing, right? With deforestation?
D: So you think they live in the forest then?
A: They got to, right?
D: They could live in caves…in boggy marshes- but I guess, the more people there are, the less places Chonnys have to hide.
A: Right, and more people to hide it from.
D: But isn’t the population of Ireland decreasing?
A: Is it?
D: I think so. I think the population of Europe in general is decreasing. Again. We’ll never know, will we Sharon. There’s absolutely no way for us to find out. But if I’m right, and it is. Then…perhaps…conditions are rife for a Chonny explosion. Wait a second. Hold on. I think I found a problem?
A: What’s that?
D: There’s no female Chonnys.
A: Maybe there are. Maybe we just don’t see them.
D: But we don’t see the male ones either. Still, we hear lots about them. If the females existed. Wouldn’t there be at least one crappy story about them? I mean, are they immortal then.
A: It seems like they might be immortal right?
D: Yeah, it does. But if they are, then what’s the difference if they’re captured.
A: They could spend forever captured.
D: But they’ll outlive their captors.
A: Well the captors will hand them down.
D: I don’t know. So say their immortal. When were they created and by who? They had to come from somewhere?
A: Maybe their like vampires.
D: But vampires don’t exist.
A: How do we know Leppys exist?
D: How do we know Irish people exist?
A: It’s true I’ve never been to Ireland.
D: I have.
A: How was it?
D: Fine. OK. So immortal is possible. Let’s say they are. So there’s no female Chonnys. And the population is either 600 or 12.
A: I’m leaning towards the lower end. I think it’s under a hundred. There can’t be that many Chonnys right?
D: Right. We can get a healthy estimate. Realistically, what’s the most there could be?
A: Well they must have territories, right?
D: But why? What would be the advantage. They’re just trying to get by.
A: Do you think they help each other out? I think it’s every Chonny for himself. I think I Leppy will take another Leppy’s gold.
D: Well what’s a leprechaun without its gold?
A: Do you cease to become a leprechaun if you lose your gold?
D: Yeah, maybe that’s why want it so bad.
A: Are there any poor leprechauns?
D: But wait! If you could get out of it by losing your gold, wouldn’t that be the best thing that could happen to you?
A: It wouldn’t be a curse. But don’t they like immortality and gold? But vampires…
D: Wait. Hold on. But is it a curse? Clearly it’s not a good set up.
A: Maybe it isn’t a curse. Maybe it’s just something greedy short Irish people fall into-
D: But we just proved they aren’t greedy- or Irish.
A: Maybe it’s a trap that short people fall into.
D: Like playing Kramer’s friend on Seinfeld. Or is that rude. I think a short person would find that funny. Speaking of which, why do we have to call short people midgets or dwarves? Why can’t we just call them people? If a person is extra tall- like Tim Duncan, we don’t have a name for it, but it’s just as unusual.
A: You don’t call them giants. They probably wouldn’t like it.
D: Maybe it’s because tall people can beat you up. It’s a power play. To make medium people feel better about themselves. Average people are the worst. I mean, what do you think the average height of a racist is?
A: Probably…5’ 10”.
D: Exactly…201 209 9368. Leprechauns! Chonnys! They’ve got it tough. Please. Stop chasing them. They have it tough enough already.
A: Leave them alone.
D: Say you met someone. Well-dressed. Driving a Maserati. And you found out they had gotten their money from capturing a leprechaun. Would you respect that?
A: I would. It’s like someone that kills a bear. It’s awful, and you don’t want anyone to kill a bear. But you still respect them.
D: I don’t know. I’m for some hunting. I think it’s important to eat meat to understand what the reality of that is. But with bears- dogs chase them up into a tree and then someone shoots them.
A: Oh, is that all it is?
D: That’s the impression I get.
A: And I know they go out in big teams of people.
D: I’m not sure. I’m pretty sure dogs tree bears, and then when the danger is over, people show up.
A: Are bears scared of dogs? Can’t a bear just punch a dog and kill it?
D: Yeah…and they will injure or kill a dog. But it’s lots of dogs.
A: Oh, a pack of dogs.
D: Yeah. You know in Wisconsin. If your hunting bears, and your dog gets killed by a wolf…
A: Wait what?
D: Well the dogs stumble into a wolf pack’s territory, and the wolves kill it.
A: And that happens regularly?
D: It’s becoming a problem…because wolves weren’t here when bear hunting with dogs was legalized. The thing is, if your dog gets killed by a wolf when your trying to kill a bear- the state actually compensates the hunter for the dog up to two thousand dollars.
A: What? That doesn’t make any sense.
D: I agree. It’s absurd. But here’s my point, isn’t this a little like capturing a leprechaun?
A: Can you use dogs to catch a leprechaun?
D: There’s no other way. They’re fast, right?
A: Oh yeah.
D: Normal person can’t go that fast. But wait- they have to drag the gold with them. How does that work? A leprechaun is a sitting duck? What chance do they have? This is not realistic. What chance do they have?
A: They have some magic. They can grant wishes. They must have some other magic.
D: Then why don’t we know about it. It’s like a vicious cycle.
A: Fueled by money and immortality.
D: It’s like Monopoly. But their forced into it.
A: Who’s forcing them?
D: They’re born that way.
A: Didn’t we decide it’s a choice.
D: I can’t remember. We said it was a trap short people fall into…but we also said their probably immortal.
A: And they can grant wishes.
D: But who wants that? Everyone knows immortality sucks.
A: But they want the money and the immortality.
D: But something must have made them immortal?
A: Well maybe they’re not immortal.
D: But what’s in it for them?
A: Money. They’re greedy.
D: But their not greedy. They just have money. They can’t put it in a bank. They can’t even get a job. It’s all they got. What makes them greedy? Because they won’t just give it to us?
D: It sucks for them. They’re trapped. Just trying to get by, they’re completely celibate, shooting off rainbows…and getting chased all over Ireland by tourists. That’s who’s greedy. It’s the people! We’re the ones who want their gold for nothing- not to mention three wishes. Why did they have to lump that in there?
A: Right. I guess there’s never a good excuse to hunt down and capture somebody.
D: Maybe if they’re a war criminal.
A: So the hunter is in the wrong.
D: Absolutely. You make you fortune from a leprechaun, you keep that to yourself. That’s nothing to be proud of.
A: Right. You can’t even tell your friend in jail.
D: Who’s in jail.
A: The person who stole the gold.
D: But it’s legal. I think your average Chonny hunter is an otherwise law abiding citizen. Chonny’s have no rights. They’re downtrodden. Let’s get that straight. They’re rich, but they can’s spend their money. Their small but they have to drag a pot of money around. Their constantly being harassed and when they try to be inconspicuous, a rainbow shoots out of their hat. Back to the pot…what’s the biggest pot you’ve ever seen.
A: Probably a giant spaghetti pot…No a pot for a plant.
D: Either way, a pot isn’t that large of a receptacle.
A: But if it were filled with gold, it would be worth a ton of money. What is it an ounce right now? Like $1500.
D: I have no idea. Well how big is an ounce of gold?
A: Really tiny.
D: How many ounces would a gold ring have?
A: Less than one.
D: 201 209 9368. Chonny’s rights. So how much then would a pot of gold be worth. What the difference between an ounce and a fluid ounce?
A: Density, I think. I think liquid is volume and a regular ounce is weight, I believe.
D: So how many ounces in a pot?
A: I don’t know. Well 16 ounces in a pint. And it would fit many pints…
D: How many- and isn’t that fluid ounces?
D: So that doesn’t apply.
A: Right. Well 16 ounces in a pound.
D: OK. Well is gold heavy?
D: How do we figure this out?
A: We need to know how big a pound is.
D: How many gold, quarter-sized coins in a pound? Sixteen?
A: I think a quarter weighs .2 ounces…So 5 would be 1 ounce.
D: But is gold lighter than- what’s a quarter made out of?
A: Probably nickel and zinc or some crap.
D: Well, let’s just assume it’s the same…So 5 times 16 males
A: I think it’s copper and nickel.
D: 80 quarter in a pound?
A: That sounds a little heavy.
D: Let’s make it 50 then. So how many rolls of 50 quarters can fit in lobster pot.
A: So many.
D: A hundred? Let’s say 100.
A: I think it would be more than that. Think about 10 rolls of quarters.
D: Less than 1000 then.
A: Less than 1000. Just say 500.
D: Okay 500- but how many quarters in a roll? 10 bucks worth?
D: So that’s 40 quarters. So that’s great. So 40 times 500…is…20,000 quarters. Then wait, $1500- is how many quarters.
A: Each quarter.
D: No. Each quarter is .2 ounces. We decided a pound is 50 quarters, so we divide 50 by 16…and that’s…three something.
D: So what is that.
A: 3.125 quarters-or gold coins- in an ounce, by our calculations…So divide 20,000 by 3.125.
D: OK. So that’s…6,400 times…1500…
A: Gold is at around 1600 now.
D: OK. 6400 times 1600…is- are you excited?
D: 10 million, 240 thousand dollars in the Chonny’s lobster pot.
A: That’s awesome.
D: So how much does the pot weigh?
A: 20,000 divided…by 50, I think
D: So that means the pot weighs…400 pounds. That’s the leprechaun’s burden. How much you think a leprechaun weighs?
A: 28 pounds, 30 pounds.
D: The odds are stacked against him…Wait, 30 pounds? That seems too little? How tall are they?
A: Not more than four feet.
D: You said three apples, didn’t you? No taller- I’d say three feet. Maybe 70 pounds…but they do it in stone. What’s that 14 and a half pounds in a stone or something? Or sixteen? Let’s say a Chonny weighs four and a half stone.
A: He’s lugging around like five times his weight in gold.
D: That’s sickening. The injustice…So that’s not something you just stumble into and haul out of there.
A: You have to plan it out.
D: It’s got to be premeditated, right? You spot the rainbow, hornswaggle the helpless Chonny, tie him up or whatever- I mean, how do you capture it?
You can’t knock it unconscious…
A: Cause you won’t get your wishes.
D: What about the Boston Celtic? Is that a leprechaun?
A: The logo?
D: Yeah, no one seems to mind that one. You hear a lot about the Cleveland Indian and the Washington Redskin…but what about the Celtic?
A: And the Phillie.
D: And the Forty-Niner? So what does a Chonny hunter’s gear consist of? You need a length of rope. An
A: Stun gun.
D: So you zap him, then tie him up and when he comes to, you hit him up for the wishes?
D: But hold on, so we agree Chonny’s grant wishes. So they’re definitely magic.
D: But if they’re magic, can’t they just wriggle out of some rope? I mean, they must pretty flexible, pretty tough to tie up.
A: But these are professionals.
D: OK. Let’s give ‘em the benefit of the doubt. So you tie up the Chonny. You’ve got your wishes all planned out, I guess. But then how do you get the 400 lbs. of gold home? That’s no pocket change.
A: Wagon? Car?
D: That’s the thing about rainbows, though. They rarely end on roads. The ends are inaccessible. And do you untie the Chonny before you leave?
D: You just leave him there, tied up like an Orpus?
A: I’m not taking that risk.
D: So how does he get out? He just starves?
A: There must be other Leppy’s in the neighborhood.
D: They set him free when the coast is clear?
D: I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit.
A: Ten million dollars.
D: I know but…Jesus…And you’re scott-free! Some legend. This is the problem. Legends like this. What’s the moral here?
A: Legends don’t have morals.
D: They don’t?
A: No. They do. That’s the moral.
D: The moral is legends don’t have morals.
D: But it’s teaching kids awful lessons. Mistreat short people. It’s OK to capture people for ransom.
D: I’m disgusted. Should we go back to griffins?
A: It’s too late.
D: It’s never too late for griffins.
A: That’s pie.
A: It’s never too late for pie.
D: You mean, there’s always room for Jell-O?
A: Uh…Yes. Shoot.
A: I hoyt my baby finger?
D: Your what?
A: My tiny wittle baby finger.
D: Should I feel bad about hooking worms when I fish?
A: Hooking worms?
D: Baiting them? I’m always saying not to kill living things for convenience, but then I hook worms.
A: What kind of worms?
A: Where do you get them?
D: I just dig them up, you know. And I feel like, what is it they say? That when you cut a worm in half it grows into two worms? Is that true?
A: I think so.
D: That can’t be true. How would that work? Anyway, they can’t breath under water, can they? First you stick a hook through them, then you drown them.
A: Then a fish eats them.
D: Then the fish gets hooked.
A: And suffocated.
D: And then we eat it.
A: And then you die.
D: But that’s life.
A: It is.
D: That’s why reincarnation would be good. If the karma from your past life decided what you became in the next one. There’s some justice to that. And it would make people more thoughtful…Is there anything better on this planet than being human? 201 209 9368. Wait, maybe we should save that for a topic. I think we could squeeze a whole show out of that.
A: Yeah. That’d be good one.
D: What do you know?
A: Not much about reincarnation.
D: We’ve got a lot of experts coming up.
A: Oh yeah.
D: Author Sam Kean, next month. The President of the American Tarot Association. 2012 Expert, Dr. Mark Van Stone…
A: And don’t forget next week, Kendall will be here in the studio doing live color commentary.
D: She’s such a sweetheart.
A: A beautiful young lady.
D: Who’s prettier: Kendall or Quinn Lamonte?
A: Who’s that?
D: Miss Seven Second Delay.
A: Have you seen her?
D: No…So it’s getting down to the wire here. Is it scripted or not scripted? Should we take the final vote? 201 209 9368. Scripted or not scripted? Beef or Macaroni? Leppy or Chonny? Puppet or Rag? Hey- I got two tickets to see P tonight!
A: WFMU, You’re on the air? Scripted or not scripted?
A: WFMU, You’re on the air?
A: WFMU, You’re on the air?
D: The jury is in? The tally is in? Wait, what do people say? The results are in…
A: And where do people go to see if it’s scripted?
A: And what if it’s not scripted?
D: Then I’ll post a picture of Bozo.
A: The clown?
D: No you’re mother-in-law…But it wasn’t scripted, so don’t get you hopes up…Do you think people would rather that it was scripted or that it wasn’t.
A: Was…And thanks to Kiki & X-Ray from Jon’s Escort Service.
D: Night People is on every Thursday night from 7 to 8 pm and is also available as a…say it.
A: Podcast. Do you wanna do the station ID?
A: OK. Say goodnight.
D: Great. WFMU East Orange, WMFU Mount Hope, Worldwide on the Internet at wfmu.org…Sandy!
Girls: So long and so what!
D: Night People!!!